I Am Nothing But Emotion, No Human Being, No Son, Never Again Son
CD/LP, Blue Soldier Records/Pocket Records/Pastel Music/Love Da Records/Gold Typhoon Music, 2010
01.Blue Soldier Night
You lay your head into my lap
I strike your face
The taxi rushes through the night
I’m endlessly far away
Blue soldier moment
Oh sweet, grown-up woman
We’re hovering, gliding in the opposite of home
It is stickily-white, like heroin, thick, and it carries death in itself
Don’t worry, I will not try to sleep with you, I say
Staggering through your Kafkaesque dungeon
One thousand rooms
Losing myself there in your multiplicity and being blissful
Time is stretching toughly like plasticine
It is dark around me
I finally find your bed
Am I torturing you, darling? you ask
We pass away
I’m holding your black curly head in my arms
Breathing heavily and deeply
My heart is running
Oh night, oh grown-up woman, oh heroin
Sticky-white death
I’m choking, craning my neck into the heavy night air
Oh Yoon, your hair, bristly and smoky
I’m inhaling your smell
Our bodies full of sebum
Our lungs blackened
Death is lying in wait
But heaven is where hell is
The hell of decompensation pukes emotion
Pure emotion
Only emotion
Eternal emotion
I am nothing but emotion, no human being, no son, never again son
Only art, purity
Yoon, heroine, the detour has washed me to your shore
Where are you now?
I’m lying here in your arms, in the Glaslights of your brothel
Oh, lock me up in your grown-up heart
I had bought a dark blue coat that looks like a military coat. Dressed in that, I met a woman at »Bar Tausend« in Berlin. »Blue Soldier Night« tells the story of the night we spent together.
The poem revealed to me a very important fact about my emotions and provides an explanation to the mood of my songs. I found out that under certain circumstances I lose my stern inner voice, and this new gained freedom enables me to have a glimpse into my subconscious and to feel. What I see there in my soul is bliss, but also, at the same time, existential fears. That explains why my songs – that are all about my subconscious, my true self, my soul – portray the contradicting emotions pain and bliss as united, portray bliss as pain and pain as bliss.
02.Holy Dungeon
Here on my own again
Longing for things I can’t have
Death is lying in wait
And somewhere I’m hiding your scent
It’s dark, yet the night is gone
It’s cold, yet the ice has melted down
Your blackened lung, your weakened tongue, I swear that I have seen them
Oh, lock me up in your grown-up heart
Here we go again
It’s been so long since I’ve lost you
It’s been so long since I’ve kissed you
So play my music on your radio
Play your sorrow away
Lying here in your arms
Eating all of your sins
I wonder if I’ll ever be
The child that I used to be
Your blackened lung, your weakened tongue, your weary eyes, your secret lies
Your one-way street, your whitened sheet, your gloomy thoughts, your cranky gods
Your angel sighs, your painful highs, your tortured heart, your backward art
Your twisted ways, your ancient face, your perfumed words, your crying birds
And here we go again
Holy dungeon, filled with angels
I belong here in your Glaslights
Where are you now?
Holding on
I belong here and always will
I belong here and I always will
The lyrics of the song are partly based on »Blue Soldier Night«. »Here on my own again.« Being alone might be painful sometimes, but at least it feels real. Like Carrie Bradshaw says, when stepping into her apartment, returning home from a trip to Los Angeles, which she experienced as superficial and just about fantasies of grandeur: »Inside it was all real«.
03.The Greatest Love Of All
I belong where the sun shines
I belong in your heart
I belong in your sorrow
With the greatest love I’ve ever known
Let me walk down the alley
Let me walk down in your tear
I will fly like an angel
With the greatest love I’ve ever known
In the flooring answers I believe in your headroom
I believe there’s someone out
I believe in you
I will love in the flower
I will love you for good
I will fly like an angel
With the greatest love I’ve ever known
I believe in this alley
That will take me to you
I believe in the sunlight
With the greatest love I’ve ever known
In the flooring answers
Hold me close in your headroom
I belong where the flowers grow
I belong with you
I belong where the sun shines
I belong in your heart
I belong in your sorrow
With the greatest love I’ve ever known
With the greatest love of all
My songs are full of love, my life is not. But it will be – some day.
04.Open Arms Of Gold
Leave me in my open arms of gold
Wondering what I have been told
Leave me in my open arms of gold, anymore
Leave me in my open arms of gold, inside
This song was written and recorded when my disorientation in life and my isolation had become so acute that I could see a curtain slowly closing before my eyes. The song just reflects my desperate emotions, it doesn’t offer a solution nor does it speak of hope. But this is the magic of creation: that the sheer portrayal of despair gives me a feeling of independence, hope and a glimpse of eternity.
The recording was made in the early morning, some minutes after waking up. The very first take (piano and vocals) became the master take. Listen to the lovely street noise.
05.Nana
You’ve got the answers
And you hold the flowers
But don’t lead me on tonight
Don’t you worry, girl
And you know the answers
And you’ve got the flowers
But don’t lead me on tonight
Cause I belong there alone
So don’t lead me in your golden eye
It’s only waiting in sorrow
And all I cane here is longing
This answer
I see your light
And you hold the answer
And you hold the sound that I know
And you’ve got the answer
And you’ve got the sound that I know
But don’t lead me on tonight
Don’t you lead me on
And you’ve got the flowers
And you’ve got the sound that I know
And you hold the answers
And you hold the sound that I know
But don’t lead me on tonight
Don’t you lead me on
I don’t know where the flowers grow
And I belong there anyway
It’s all the way kings inside your eye
Leave the flower
Tonight I’ll be fine
Nana (live-/»piano version«)
You’ve got the answers
You hold the flowers
Don't lead me on tonight
Don't lead me on
You take my money
You say you love me
Don't lead me in your golden eye
I belong there anyway
And all I came for is shaking off this longing
This desire
You've got the answers
You've got the scent that I know
And you hold the flowers
And you hold the dreams that I've lost
You take my money
And you take my hand in the dark
And you say you love me
And you know that I will believe
After my last Asian tour in November 2008, I had to go to Tokyo for some business meetings. The tour itself had been a drag. I had lost my voice, thus I didn’t feel comfortable on stage, and I couldn’t handle the attention I got. It was a series of unaccomplished expectations, rejections and broken dreams. When I arrived in Tokyo I felt lost, weak, and confused. I was a needy creep. I spent the nights at bars and clubs with a friend from Berlin who has been living in Tokyo for some time now. At the club »Air«, I tried to get in contact with a girl. But when I sat down next to her, she jumped up and ran away.
The next evening I had a business meeting and told this »rejection story« to my publisher. She felt sorry for me, and when we said goodbye she said: »Tonight, you will not get rejected!« After that I got drunk and planned to walk back to the hotel instead of taking a cab. I felt completely lost, isolated, and a million miles away from home. So I passed through Shibuya’s red-light district. I talked to the girls standing on the street, waiting for a suitor. I sang to them, along to mp3s from my mobile phone – John Lennon, The Beatles, Bob Dylan. But the very moment they realized I was not going to be a customer they immediately turned away and ignored me. As I decided to finally leave Shibuya and finally go to sleep, suddenly a beautiful girl emerged, ran after me and tried to win me. I was stunned. Because of my lost mind and her beauty, I considered, for the first time in my life, to do something I never would have thought I would do – and followed her into a sleazy hotel room. She started doing business, but I sort of stopped her and asked her if I could just hug her. Then I dared to kiss her on the mouth, and she said that she actually never allows that, but that, for me, she would make an exception. Later, on the way to the cash machine, she took my hand. I played my music to her from my iPod, she wrote down her name (Nana) and phone number, and then, when we separated, she kept on saying: »I love you, I love you!«.
It was 6 a.m. in the morning already. My train to the airport was to leave at 7.30 a.m. I found myself on Shibuya crossing that is usually packed with hundreds of people, but I was there all by myself at that moment – which for itself is a historical occasion – disintegrating in the infinity of the universe, blissful and full of fears, my heart full of pain and beauty, bawling along to my iPod: »Sad Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands« by Bob Dylan, which I recorded with the help of my mobile phone (to be heard on the hidden track of the album).
The first chorus – »Don’t lead me in your golden eye« – probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone else, but to me it means the world.
06.Court My Eyes Alone
Every day I wake with the sunlight in my eyes
Every day I wake with a lonesome heart to cry
Until you call me
Until you wake me up
Until you wonder to court my eyes alone
Until you wonder to court my eyes alone
But don’t you leave me
And don’t deceive me
I’m coming out to call and doubt my way
Don’t you leave me
Don’t deceive me
I’m coming out my way
I have moved to a new apartment with a separate bedroom. Every morning, I am woken up by the sunlight. And lying there, half asleep, in this light-flooded coffin, I usually wonder if my life is either blissful or dreadful, and whether it’s essential to be alone or if loneliness will slowly kill me. That’s what the song is about – my controlled life on the verge of isolation.
07.Glaslights
I belong there in your Glaslights
I’ll be strong there in you
I belong there in your Glaslights
I’ll be strong there with you
I was a soldier in the Glaslights
You were my lover too soon
And the night goes on to see for you
There were angels in the Glaslights
Yes, it’s true
There were angels in your Glaslights
There was silence in my heart
The same woman as in »Blue Soldier Night«. She is an artist who has created paintings of naked women on glass panes. One of these window installations surrounds her bed. For some reason, I called that installation »Glaslights«. After the »Blue Soldier Night« that I had spent at her place, she asked me to stay also for the day.
The song is about the peaceful, affectionate and more amicable than sexual mood of that day. For some time, I thought we could be something. Turned out I was wrong.
08.Messed-up Girl ballad version
Where have you been, my messed-up girl?
Staying up all night and losing our pearl
Why are you lying?
Why are you sighing, my love?
There’s this light in your eyes
Your cheeks are all red
It’s hard for you to hide that you betrayed me in his bed
But still you don’t leave me
Still you don’t leave, oh my love
What keeps you from running into his arms?
What keeps you from falling prey to his charms?
Is it your love?
Oh, do you still love me, my dear?
Well, I can’t be your sun
But I’ll be your moon
Brightening your night but fading too soon
Brightening your path with my borrowed light, oh my love
You’re my pale-faced princess
Silver lining
Noble sweetness
Always shining
How can you do this?
Oh, how can you do this to me?
So where have you been, my messed-up girl?
Staying up all night and losing our pearl
Why are you lying?
Why are you sighing, my love?
Oh, my love
A different version of this song has already been released on »I’ll Be A Virgin, I’ll Be A Mountain«. It deals with the emotions of a man who has been cheated on.
09.No One’s Child
Don’t be shy ’cause it’s alright
I belong where no one else can grow my heart into my sorrow
I belong in you
But you are no one’s child
I’m alright with you, my love
Where the sun will grow into my arms
And I will go into my sunrise
And you are no one’s child
I believe to be free
I will go my way
Sunshine flows
And winter grows
You, my love, will find your way
I believe in no one else, knowing I’ll be somewhere else
You and I
Cause you are no one’s child
Summer grows to my arms
I believe in you
Sunshine flows
Moonlight grows
The first recording in my new apartment. Recorded when looking out into a warm spring night, the street just lit by a lantern, throwing a warm light into my room. »I believe to be free, I will go my way.« Maybe that is true, maybe my soul is strong. And maybe I will find a way.
10.Your Kingdom
I belong there in your kingdom
Fallen long time ago
I’ll be strong there in your kingdom
Frozen under deep snow
No more heartache in your kingdom
No more houses to stay
I’ll be fine there in your kingdom
Time has carried away
I will lose my brains on the way to you
I’ll be shaking off my limbs to make it through
I belong there in your kingdom
Leaving no soul behind
I’ll be strong there in your kingdom
That is nowhere to find
A different version of »Glaslights«, written for the theatre play »Die Verlorene Kunst, Ein Geheimnis Zu Bewahren« by Swiss director Thom Luz. Her kingdom, her love doesn’t exist anymore, but the singer doesn’t want to accept that. That specific place that is nowhere to be found can only be reached by leaving the world.
11.You’ll Come Home Again
Leave my heart into your sorrow
Where to go and where to follow
I belong there
Where to know is »When«
So my love, I’ll leave you down thereunder
To my heart and to my sorrow
Where the angels fly
That I will never know
And you’ll come home again
You’ll come home again
You’ll come home again
So the silence of my heart of golden
Where to go and where to follow
I belong there
Oh, forever you
So the silence of my heart is endless
To my heart and to my sorrow
Leave the angels, fly!
And you will lose my mind
»You’ll come home again«. That’s what I hope every time I leave myself for narcissistic and libidinous reasons. And so far, fortunately I’ve always managed to come back home. The song was written and recorded a few days after Christmas 2008, after a rotten and wasted night at my favourite bar in Berlin.
12.Grandiosity
Lingering thoughts in this drowning world
People are dead
That’s where I’ll be
My friends are all gone in this drowning world
All of them are dead
And this is my way, this is my way to leave you
This is my way, this is my way to leave
Lingering thoughts in this drowning world
People are old
That’s where I’ll be
My friends are all gone in this drowning world
All of them are sad
And this is my way, this is my way to leave you
This is my way
This is my way to find out all these ways of glory
And all my little ways
I’m sorry
There is no life, there is no life alone
All my little ways of glory
And all my little ways
I’m sorry
There is no life, there is no life alone
The game between men and women, the game of flirting and trying to make contact with the opposite sex I call »The Machinery«. From the very beginning I deeply hated the Machinery, but I always, always kept coming back, mislead by the fake and devious singing of black sirens, black mermaids, smoothly moving around inside that Machinery. And although I didn’t have a key to enter – like the other, the proper men, who know how to play, who know the secret – I managed to sneak my way inside, wearing a false mask of self-confidence, to finally being spewn out by the Machinery, being spat into the gutter.
»Grandiosity« is about the Machinery. It is about the megalomania that sometimes comes along with it and about the hope to be freed someday of misleading fantasies of grandeur – »Big Ideas« how Radiohead called it. »Don’t get any big ideas«, Thom Yorke sings, and I’d like to add: »…because when they finally come true, it will not feel big anyway.« Also I realize – at least in the song – that »there is no life alone«. But HOW can I manage to leave my island to swim to her?
13.Lonely In Gold
Lonely in gold
Cause I saw your soul
And I don’t need the way you touched my heart
And you’ll come home again
You’ll come home again
You’ll come home again underneath the stars
And now you’re here with me, eventually
And now the time has come
One of the most intense recordings I have ever made. I had written this song on the street, while busking, and I wanted to keep the mood from the busking experience, so I left the windows open while I recorded – to get some street noise. The song is taped live in one take. After that session, I was so stunned that I had to go out to celebrate until seven ’o clock in the morning. And I did what I usually never do at clubs – I danced.